Today was a big day for our Miles. You would have been so proud of him. I look at both of my boys and am sad you aren't here to talk with them about the things they have going on. Casey has a girlfriend, Mom! That's a tangent, but it's the cutest thing and I am trying so hard not to tease him about it but I know that you would be able to get away with it in a way I wouldn't. And I wish you were here.
Anyway, Miles had to dress up today to try to hype up the play. We talked about it earlier this week after the director of the play told the actors and crew that it was mandatory. Miles expressed to me that he was conflicted about it. He has this awesome suit that he could wear. He looks amazing in it. But he looked a little emotional when he looked at me and said he didn't want to wear it because the last time he'd worn it was at Grandma's funeral. My heart kind of broke, because neither of my kids shares very often how they are processing your loss. We discussed it and I told him he could wear the suit and not the yellow tie he wore to your services. I could see he was still conflicted.
In the end, he went to school wearing the white shirt and slacks from the suit but didn't wear a tie at all, just jewelry and a jacket that he bought. He is so handsome, Mom.
Look at your boy! The play was amazing, Mom and you would have laughed until you cried. The whole thing just was so overwhelmingly awesome. I got in there and took this picture of Miles and then settled into my seat. Music was playing and I knew Miles had chosen it. As the Sound Chief, he had told me that he got to choose all of the music to play while people came in and then the music that was going to play during the intermission. Mom, I got tears in my eyes as I listened to the music he chose. The first song I heard was "Mr. Blue Sky" which I know he chose because he knows Casey loves. As people sat down, I noticed that they sang along with the music or would tap their feet or hum. Miles was messaging with me and told me he was nervous the director wouldn't like it. He played "Never Gonna Give You Up" at one point and I started laughing out loud. My fifteen year old Rick-Rolled us. And the person sitting behind me even said that. I was overcome with excitement for Casey to see this.
The play itself reminded me so much of Noises Off. Miles did an amazing job with the sound. I was impressed in comparison to the plays at the middle school. He had to mute mics and play sound effects and manage all of that. I was so incredibly proud.
Well, it's Saturday night now and I still haven't finished this letter to you. Last night, Dad and Jeremy came and picked up Casey and I to head to the play and Daniel met us there. I was so impressed that Miles had an entire row of his friends come to support him. Miles had me come and meet them and they all hugged me. You would have loved to have seen how supported he is. Dad and Jeremy enjoyed the play as well. Jeremy had a migraine so that was tough but he still enjoyed it. Casey LOVED the music Miles chose and knew it was chosen specifically for him and it meant a lot. It made me so proud to see the love between my kids. Savannah and Cat had come with some of their friends as well so we had a good crew there.
I went again tonight with Heather and Melina. Yep, I went all three nights. It was that enjoyable of a show that I laughed my way through it all three nights. It was fun to see how the actors improvised and adjusted and I was so proud of how Miles adjusted and rolled with the punches like when a microphone was acting funky he would mute the actor. The actor would then start speaking louder to adjust and Miles would have to attempt to try it again to see if it would work without the weird feedback. He nailed his cues and sound effects. It was so impressive. He's glad it's over because he is sick so I'm sure he will rest much of tomorrow.
The other big part of this that I wanted to tell you about was something that hit me Thursday night. One of the main characters in the play, Mr. Jenkins was played by a senior. His name is David and he was amazing. He was probably my favorite actor- he was so impressive. But after the first act the first night I watched, I had to look at the program and just check because I wasn't sure if maybe they had case a female in the man's part. He looked like a young man but his voice... just something was a tiny bit off. I mean it's a high school play so as soon as I saw his name was David I just thought well maybe he's a young senior or a late bloomer. Well, come to find out, he is a transgender male, just like Miles. We talked about it after the first night and Miles said his parents are fully supportive and so they won't allow him to do anything physically until he's 18. He's actually 17 years old. And it just hit me so hard in the gut and made me feel so reaffirmed in our decisions. And I wished so much that you could have seen the play right then. For several reasons of course- because it was amazing, but also because these kids were amazing and so wonderful and supportive of one another. They all love David and treat him with kindness and respect. And they all love Miles and treat him with the same kindness and respect. And it reassures me that my feelings of wanting Miles to mature along with his cis-gender classmates wasn't wrong. Because I believe Miles is misgendered very little if ever because he doesn't sound like a girl. He looks and sounds just as he should as a 15 year old young man.
Not really sure what my point was of that last paragraph other than to just say I really wished you could have been there. I know you worry about Miles and you had your concerns and didn't necessarily understand our decisions or standpoint maybe. And not to say that seeing the play would have made you say "Ah yes, every transgender person should do hormone therapy" because there is a student that is doing quite well without it. I guess that's just it. Miles would be okay either way. I know how much you want to protect him and I suppose I wished you could have seen that even kids who could be misgendered still succeed and kids who maybe have parents that are willing to sign off on hormone treatment do okay as well. Miles is doing so well. It was such a gift to see him in his element. And it felt like some of the best moments of my life to see that while in his element, he was thinking of Casey or waving me over so he could introduce me to his friends. It made me feel like maybe I'm doing okay and everything is going to turn out okay.
Feeling this way made me very aware of the moments in your life where you probably felt this way- where you maybe felt that concern of being less than successful as a mom. I imagine every mom feels this way. I wish I could magically have made you feel content about your parenting. I truly hope that when you had quiet moments when you would think about it, that you would take stock at your children and think of how much we all love each other and think individually of our successes, however little or big they might be. I hope you feel some pride and know that the way that Jeremy cared for you was a direct reflection for how you modeled caring for others our entire lives. Jeremy celebrates and honors things the same way you do. He has a respect and reverence for things that he gained from seeing how you were so gentle with things. With people's emotions, with letters, with feelings, with tradition. I hope you know that when you see Josh and how unbreakable or maybe what you would call as "untouchable" he could be, he gets that from you after watching you deal with such a difficult hand in life that you were dealt and yet you never, ever gave up. Nothing could stop our mom. You just didn't stop. You kept keeping on, no matter where dad moved us, no matter how many jobs you had to start over at, no matter how many doctors you had to start from scratch. You. Just. Kept. Going. And so does Josh. He is an amazing father who has taught his kids how to do chores and be strong, independent humans. Guess where he learned to do that? You. And the way that Jordan gets that sparkle in his eye and laughs so loud and people just gravitate to him, that's you. He has a way of making people so loved. People want his attention and he freely gives it and you just feel like you're on top of the world and he learned that from you. He gives you his full attention and he learned that from watching you. You did that our entire lives. You would remember people's names and ask specific questions about their loved ones. And Jordan does this now and it reminds me of you. Sometimes I hear him ask a question and I think that's something Mom would have asked. You are reflected in each of us so much. I hope and pray I am a reflection of you. I don't cook like you did but I am going to bring your rolls to Thanksgiving and hope to see a flicker or memory on my brother's faces. I believe I am a reflection of you with my humor and I see it in my kids and know they have gotten your sense of humor from me because I am sarcastic and silly like you. I am a deep feeler like you were and so if I love someone, there just is no halfway. I will love you until the ends of time. And I got that from you. And that's why you had so many people who came to your services, Mom. Sue Bash, who showed up to so many things in my life, was there because she is always there because of a friendship you formed with her decades and decades ago. And that is my goal, Mom. To be the friend you were to so many.
This letter got away from me. But I just am feeling very grateful for you as my mom and was really wishing these nights that you could have ben here to see how proud I am of my sons. I believe you are watching over us. I love you so much, Mom.
Love, your angel cake,
Jaimee
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