Dear Mom,
Oh, I am such a wreck today. Some days I am totally fine and actually feel like a functioning adult and think dang, I've got this. Today was not one of those days.
We had lunch with Dad and Jeremy, which is something we have done for years now. I am grateful for that. But I am stuck in a pattern now where I am questioning everything. I question if things will continue on the same path and if maybe we did this because I would come over on Saturdays to give you your shot and so Dad and Jeremy felt obligated to spend that time with us. I am dealing with my own bargaining (which my therapist has helped me realize what that stage actually means) in that I constantly feel it on Saturdays especially- that I wish I had spent more time with you on those days. I remember that weekend in August when I was sick and so I really didn't want to get you ill but came to do your shot and purposefully was rushing off and you broke down in tears saying how you never got to just talk with me. I feel heartbroken about that. I did come over after I tested negative for Covid and had been on antibiotics for 24 hours and I'm so glad I did that because that was when you and I went over your book that really prepared me for what you wanted after you passed. I knew you wanted me to dress you, and I can honestly say I wouldn't have done the research to know I could do that for you if we hadn't had that conversation. So I'm very grateful for the way things played out and am trying to focus on those positives. But the disappointment and 'coulda/shoulda/wouldas' creep in all the time. Saturdays are the hardest day for me for some reason. I believe it's because it has been the one consistent day I have seen you almost without fail. So you feel the most absent from my life on those days. I mean, trust me, you feel absent from my life every single day. I miss you so much it makes me gasp sometimes.
Anyway, that was a tangent, sorry. Basically, what I'm saying is that I realize that now things might change. I don't have to come over on Saturdays and that's not to say that there was an obligation or that you were a burden in any way. I'm here saying I wish I had made better use of those Saturdays. But now that Dad and Jeremy don't "need' me to come over on Saturdays maybe they don't want to have lunch with the Shepards anymore. I'm sure you can relate to the insecurities I'm battling. If the tables were turned, I could easily reassure you and tell you how loved you are and that you need to not worry about these things. But being on this side of things, I feel scared and unsure of my place anywhere anymore. Which is so silly and I am aware of that.
New tangent... Heidi Naylor was so sweet and we have messaged a bit and she told me something that made me feel a little validated and she said that these times of grief feel like you're caught in the undertow in the ocean. You can't figure out up from down and feel like you're drowning. You have to fight to get to the shore. And sometimes you make it to the sand and you get pulled back in by another wave. She said it is a fight and sometimes you'll make it to the parking lot of the beach and a wave will still pull you back in. That analogy has helped me and even though I don't like the beach (ha) at least I feel like it's normal to some extent that I feel so turned upside down.
So today has been rough. Daniel felt sensitive as Dad was helping him return some things at Lowes, which we are always grateful for his help but he didn't express that there was a BYU game on so he ended up rushing Daniel. Feelings were hurt and of course, Daniel vents to me, and then I think everyone is upset at me. I just want to make everyone happy and already feel like I'm making a lot of withdrawals in my relationship with Daniel. (That's another analogy we use a lot with the kids that I think I had even said to you and Dad- relationships can have deposits made in them when you do something nice or thoughtful for the other person and then that allows you to make withdrawals in your time of need or when you need more patience from your partner... I've definitely been needing some grace. I believe I'm still trying to make deposits and hope I'm still in the black. Fingers crossed. Ha.)
Well, I decided to go out and visit you. This is another suggestion from my therapist. Actually, the first time I went was a suggestion from Daniel. He is such a good man, Mom. It was such a tender mercy to be able to watch him step up and be there for me and for our entire family those two days in the hospital with you. The day you passed he was an absolute rock. I know he didn't want to be there- he hates hospitals and doesn't have good coping mechanisms and you know what he's been going through with his own family and the absolute loss of people still living. But he came and came into the room and said goodbye to you and kissed you. Thanked you for being such a good mom to me and to him. And then he sat in the conference room and made sure to go get snacks for everyone so people had food in their stomachs. He amazed me, Mom. And he misses you too. And last weekend when I was struggling and couldn't even put a sentence together of why he just randomly suggested we go visit you. So the four of us went out to see you. I shared this with my therapist and she agreed it was an amazing idea and she suggested I do this on Saturdays to get me through the oddness of them. So today, this afternoon, I decided to go by myself.
I have a playlist of songs that remind me of you. Somewhere In Time, Neil Diamond, Michael McDonald, Phil Collins, Genesis, The Police, Hall & Oates, and then songs that just make me think of you because of their words. I played it while driving out to the cemetery. It is so beautiful, Mom. I wish you could have known you were going to be buried there before you died. I think you would have had such peace knowing that. We should have done the research to know that beforehand. I am so glad you are there. I feel at peace every time I go there. Daniel has joked he wants to teach Miles to drive out there in their parking lot so you can be a part of it.
On the date of your burial, they told us your headstone or gravestone wouldn't be in probably for two months. Kailah had said six weeks. So we have really hoped it would be in towards the end of this month. I began walking towards your section. I could see that there were new headstones placed but I didn't get my hopes up. I walked a little closer and was already talking to you in my mind. You are number 1212. I was looking at the grave markers. 1217, 1216, 1215, 1214, 1213.... wait! There was your headstone! I immediately fell to my knees in front of your stone and started sobbing.
Your stone is so beautiful and perfect. I looked around and decided yours is better than the ones before you. Ha. Of course. It's yours! I knelt here for about a half-hour and for some reason just seeing your name carved in this stone with the angel Moroni, that I believe you would have loved, made me so happy and so sad at the same time. I allowed myself to feel all the feelings. Sadness, anger, hurt, guilt, confusion, awe, loneliness, insecurity, fear, disappointment, pride, and gratitude. I tried to end on gratitude. I left you with a kiss and sat in my car and texted my Case Men chat and my Case Mamas chat and then my Shepard family chat. Karen and Erin immediately responded. But no one else did as I started driving back. I didn't expect my own kids or Daniel to respond. Honestly, I texted them because I would have felt bad if I had told my siblings and Dad and not my own little family. But then I started spiraling. Why weren't my own siblings and Dad not responding?! Mom, I started freaking out. I was driving but kept checking my phone and started sobbing. I was overthinking and imagining that they were all mad at me because they didn't want a picture, they wanted to see it themselves first. Why did I send a picture? Why? I am so stupid!!!! I finally decided I was going to call Dad and apologize and he answered to my sobbing gasps.
Your husband is an amazing man and father. He was patient and explained, through my tears, that the BYU game was still on and so he and Josh and Jordan all probably hadn't seen the text. Jeremy wasn't even home and turned out he was at the movies. I was totally overreacting. But that's where I'm at these days, Mom. It's awful. I don't know what to do. Other than trust it's going to get better. Dad texted me and even called me again tonight and the brothers have all responded. I think Dad and I are going to go to the cemetery tomorrow maybe with Jeremy. And I will continue to try to work through all of my issues.
I just miss you, Mom. What's sad is that I know if you were still here, nothing would be different. I would still be taking you for granted. I would be rolling my eyes at your silliness. I would be annoyed at your frustrations with Dad. I had so little empathy, despite really trying hard to understand where I could. It just didn't hit me until you were gone. And I hate that. I miss you and wish I could go back to ten years ago when you were so healthy. I wish I could go back to when your health started to take a hit and I would fight harder to get you the care you deserved. And I know you can empathize with feeling so scattered and emotions all over the place. So if I could just ask a favor, even though I'm listing off all of the reasons I don't really deserve a favor from you... I wish you could just be with me. Just let me know you're here still. That you love me. I love you so much, Mom. I always have. I wish I had shown you in a way you needed to be shown. I remind myself every day that you could relate and that you managed through all of this. I'm so proud of you. I hope you know that. I have read texts where I told you that so I hope you knew it. Please be with me.
Love, your angel cake,
Jaimee
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