Dear Mom,
Today marked one month since you left us. One month. I don't know how I'm functioning without you. You'd be happy to know that the therapy I began this summer (at your urging!! Thank you!) has easily transitioned into a place where we are focusing on my grief. She suggested I write to you as a way to express my grief. Journaling was her suggestion. Jeremy would have been all over that and likely is already but I cannot find myself putting a pen to paper. But I liked her idea of writing you letters and decided to do it in the format of a blog as you know that's my 'jam'.
So this is my first letter to you and I wish it could be significant and meaningful, but just because of the day, it's going to be kind of lame. Ha. Let's blame Dad for that. Mom, I am so very glad Dad came home in time for his birthday. Between you and me, I think he really needed to go on the trip with Les. I know, had you been alive and still struggling, he would not have gone. And I believe you know that now. Maybe I'm kidding myself in my grief but I really believe that you came to a lot of understandings in those last days and you knew how much Dad loved you. I hope that's the case because it is absolutely the truth. He misses you so much, Mom. We all do, but him especially. It has been so good for me to have him back home and to see those moments of vulnerability because I feel safe knowing that I'm still struggling and knowing that I'm not alone.
Anyway, I was so glad that he and Les decided to rush home and suggested we all meet up for dinner. You would be so proud of how we all came together and worked side by side to accomplish your services. I believe you were there, Mom and I hope you were blown away by the number of people that showed up and expressed their condolences and sadness at the loss the world now faces without your bright light in it. We, as siblings, were all so close that week we planned things out and as the weeks went on after your birthday, I had missed getting to see everyone. So I suggested dinner. And we all met tonight at Tucano's. Jordan was so sweet. He always is. Erin is so sick and determined to manage her gestational diabetes with her diet. She's amazing, Mom. So Jordan was definitely thinking of her a bit when he suggested Tucano's because she could eat a lot of meat- low carb! He made sure to ask if I could eat a lot there- thinking of gluten-free. And then because he knows it's expensive, he brought gift cards for Daniel and I and Josh and Karen and then he paid for Jeremy, and Dad's meal was free. You have amazing kids, Mom.
It wasn't what I imagined because it was the first time I had seen Jordan and Erin since the evening of your birthday. That restaurant is so busy and overwhelming! So it wasn't the conversation I imagined we'd have. It was loud and distracting and we got interrupted constantly. But it didn't matter because we were all there together. Dad is 76 years old and has to navigate these next years without his companion. We are going to do everything we can to help him. He is so very loved. We took a picture outside the restaurant.
I can't believe it's been one month, Mom. This past weekend was hard for that reason. I was oddly aware on Sunday, which was Halloween so it was odd in and of itself, that it had been four weeks since I had last spoken to you. That last phone call when you were in the ER still and Dad had you on speakerphone, which I know you hate. But I'm so damn glad he put you on speakerphone because that was my last conversation with you. I can't remember if my last words were, "breathe through your nose" or, "I love you" but it was one of those two sentences. And I just have to laugh because I couldn't have known how the next day would play out. But oh, Mom, if I had known....
I have gone back through and re-read alllll of the texts you've ever sent me and I was struck by how often you referred to me as your angel cake. I took for granted to nickname you gave me in my childhood, but I am so very grateful for how often you have called me that. I have a voicemail saved that you called me that and I know I saved it for that reason. So I will sign off every letter to you that way. Because more than anything, I want to be your angel cake. I miss you so much it physically hurts.
Love, your angel cake,
Jaimee
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