Dear Mom,
I went over to Dad and Jeremy's tonight. That's a hard thing to say. I always used to say "Mom and Dad's" and it made me cry the first few weeks when I would say that. Ugh, I miss you. I had therapy this morning and just cried and cried. And then as I'm driving back the song "Hold On My Heart" came on. I don't think I've written you about this and I realize this letter is all over the place but it's important for me to tell you this because I'm hoping this is true.
The day you died, after I was the one who had to go back to the ICU to tell them we were done and we didn't need anything else from your room and I cried to the head lady who was so sharp with us that morning and wouldn't let us have more than two people in your room until you were extubated. I got into my car to drive myself home. I was by myself because Daniel had gone to be home when Casey got home because Miles wasn't sure if he was going to stay for Stage Crew. I was glad he was going to be there for the kids because Miles was pretty upset. Anyway, it meant I was by myself at the hospital and I was driving by myself home. I got in the car and my Spotify was shuffling songs and the first song that come on was "Hold On My Heart" by Genesis. It's a song I loved that you introduced me to. I listened to the lyrics and I just cried and cried. I had just lost my mom and these words hit me. I felt like you were looking over my shoulder... like you were throwing me a lifeline, that you would be there for me. "She'll always be with me." This song. Wow.
Just hold on to that feeling
We both know we've been here before
We both know what can happen
So today when I left therapy and this song came on again, I felt like it was you telling me you loved me. I have heard it several times after you died and every time I have taken it to mean that. I hope that's what you've intended because it's what I'm taking it as. And sometimes I'll just listen to it over and over when it comes on to hold onto that feeling.
Anyway, so I missed you all day. After dinner, I decided to go visit Dad and Jem. I have decided to try to make your rolls and pie sticks for Thanksgiving. I have so many memories of watching you make these and I'm sad I never attempted to make them while you were alive but I'm determined to try to make you proud and give my brothers a little taste of something you would have baked. Jeremy helped me look through your recipes (or receipts as Grandma would call them- bless her) and we found the jackpot. I only knew this was the one because it mentioned dipping the rolls in butter and letting them rise again. I'm going to find a mason jar lid because even though I could use a cup, I remember you using a mason jar lid and so it would make me happy to do it this way. I'm going to try this weekend as a trial run. I found a recipe for pie crust that doesn't mention how long to bake but I'm going to use that to attempt pie sticks.
I miss you so much. I wish you were here. I hope you know how much we love you. Looking through all of the pictures we compiled for your slide show made me realize how vibrant you were for so many years. The last four years were so tough and definitely muddled the concept of who you were. It's such a blessing to be able to forget those struggles, how difficult the last few years and how hard they were for you. I'm so glad you aren't struggling and miserable anymore. I wish you never had been. I'm so sorry you had to suffer at all. And I'm choosing to focus on the years of pictures of you laughing and holding oh-so-many babies and the young pictures of you and Dad. You had such an amazing life and I'm determined to focus on the good parts of it. That doesn't mean that I'm pretending the last years weren't tough, Mom. I validate so much they were so hard for you and that's the only reason I'm okay that you aren't here. Because I know you were so completely done fighting your body. I am so glad you're beyond that now. But I miss you immensely and feel completely lost without you.
Wish me luck this weekend when I attempt to make you proud with rolls. You are with me every day. I love you more than you'll ever know.
Love, your angel cake,
Jaimee
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